Can I be frank?

Diggin' through the archives day

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Originally published on October 21, 2009
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I want to direct this post to YOU.
YEAH YOU...
The one(s) who comes here each and every day.
The one(s) that leave a comment on each and every one of my fab posts.

I think it's TOTALLY awesome and stuff.
I would return the favor. I really would.

Oh, it's not that I don't like YOU or your blog.
I am sure it is loaded with PURE AWESOME-NESS.
just not as awesome as mine, obviously
You see, I just can't.
I'm busy.
Why?
UMM HELLO??? I'm like POPULAR and STUFF.
Just look at my followers.
Just look at my 400+ comments on each post.
You can't just expect me to visit all of you.......like EVER.....Can you?

I mean, Seriously.
I have to worry about other things.
like
posting my FAB blog all over the place
to get
Wait for it.....

MORE FOLLOWERS!
I am so gonna rule the blog-o-sphere one day.
SOOOOOO gonna do it

Plus more followers....more page views....more page views....higher alexa rating.....higher alexa rating.....bigger page rank....bigger pagerank means more money (or bigger goodies sent to me)

So, I am sure you understand why I just can't drop everything and leave you a comment.....like...EVER.

It's all about Priorities.
However, when I do finally make it big (WAY BIG) I am going to have my assistant(that's how big I will be) email all of you to say thanks.
Of course, the email will be mass because I just don't have the time to learn each of your names.
BUT
I adore YOU!
I really do.
(Which one of my 8,900 followers are you again?)

P to the S... Don't forget to leave me a comment.
Ya know, so I can TOTALLY ignore it again.
:Smooches:

Most of you will get this.
&
Some of you won't.
Ya know what, It's ok.
Really.It.Is.

I'm begging her to whine . . .

I've been searching online for a USED copy of the "Parenting Manual/Handbook".
Ya know, the one I was talking about here?
I haven't found one yet.
Geesh, I guess I'll just have to have another kid in order to get a NEW one.
:shrugging shoulders:

Anyhoo....
I am still working on the attitude.
BUT
Now I have another issue.
One that's probably more annoying than the whole attitude problem.

WHINING



Whining grates on my last nerve.
Ok, let me rephrase that . . .
Whining grates on my 2,006th last nerve.
uh yeah
because
That "last" nerve......well it was grated on many moons ago.

I think I can nip the whining in the bud though.
Starting today, if you whine in the "H" house . . . .
You get a chore.
Whine once, you get one chore.
Whine 5 times . . . You get 5 chores.

I'm almost begging someone to whine.
BRING IT BABY!
I have lots and LOTS of work that needs to be done.

UH HUH
Where's my bon bons?
Turn the soaps on.
CUZ
This momma is about to CHILL-LAX while the kids do my dirty work.

B-RING IT!

If I could shake it....I would but I cant....so I won't

The Year : 1994 or was it 1993?
The Place: Homeroom *9th grade*

Sitting in my desk, chatting it up with a few other girls.....Someone said something funny and we began to laugh.

Laugh
Giggle
Maybe even a few snorts in between a giggle and a laugh

And then IT happened.....

Uh huh

Giggle/Laugh/Giggle/Snort/Laugh . . . .

----> toot <---- Honestly, it could have been the toot heard around the world (or at least the classroom) because as soon as it happened - - - -SILENCE! And then one of the "MORE POPULAR" girls said (while giggling) "WHO DID THAT?" As fast as fast can be, I said "ME!" Why did I answer? AND SO FAST? I still don't know. I mean I could have just sat there with that "look"
(ohhhh you know the look and don't even tell me that you don't....toot? what toot?)
and DENY DENY DENY.
BUT
I didn't.
Everyone laughed some more but this time it was at my expense.

That was when I became known as the girl that tooted in 9th homeroom.
Ok, not really.
But
It was quiet embarrassing.

(that photo up there? well, it has nothing to do with the story. I like it though.)
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My hips don't lie

I hear about it every year . . .
Moms all over the country (ok, maybe I am exaggerating a little) talking about how they make their children trade their halloween candy for a toy.

Reasons: Candy is unhealthy.
Candy rots the teeth.
Candy contains too much sugar.
Candy makes your hips wider than wide.
(I had to add that one)


Yep, Candy does all of the above.
IT SURE CAN.

Question ??

If you don't plan to give your kid the candy. WHY GO TRICK or TREATING?
That's like waving candy in front of a kid's face.
Uh, really
It.Is.

Ok, Ok...
Maybe you go trick or treating for the "FUN".
If that is the case, I have another solution.
When you get home PUT THE CANDY AWAY instead of sitting it right there in front of Junior's face.


A little tip:
If the candy sits in the cabinet long enough, Junior will forget all about it.
Which is a good thing around here......



Candy?
What Candy?
Where did the candy go?
Hey, don't look at me.

OR MY HIPS

I've also heard that people do this with candy that comes in their kid's stockings and Easter baskets.

DOH!
:shaking head:
Just don't buy it.
REALLY

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But seriously....
Do you do this?
Take kid trick or treating only to have him trade candy for something else
Leave me a comment.
I'm curious.

(MUTE) WHAT?? I can't hear you.

Ti-faux (not tivo but the Dish Network version)
Ya know, the fake Tivo?

LOVE IT.

Can't live with out it.

Wouldn't it be cool if humans had features like that?


Fast Forward, maybe?
Yeah
Because Sometimes (Ok all of the time) Big girl spews too many details when she is telling me something.
Like....
"Momma, You know that dog (the one down the street, the black one not the brown one)?"
"Well, he just got in the neighbors (the neighbor that lives across from the man....not the tall skinny man but the round old man) garbage can."
"There are cans (looks like green giant green beans but it could be corn, I am not sure) everywhere."
"Should I go over there and help them pick it up? (Well, not all of it. Just the stuff that will not get on my hands. I don't wanna touch anything gross because I just put lotion on my hands.)
Ya know, the lotion that was in the bathroom cabinet? Not the small bathroom but the other one."

Fast Forward...JUST GET TO THE POINT
in other words: SPIT IT OUT!

A rewind button would come in handy too.
Ya know, to find out WHO REALLY licked that icing off of the cake.
Cuz no one wants to fess up any other way.
Yep, I am still ill over that one.
IT WAS MY CAKE.
GRRR

PAUSE would be good too.
I could finally get my TIME OUT without making my children leave a message after the BEEEEP!
Uh huh, I do that.
When I have had it for the day.....You will get this lil message:
MOMMY IS DONE FOR THE DAY.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEEEEEEEP.
DONE as in D-----ONE!

MUTE, Need I say more?
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blahhh blah blah
(mute)






What? I can't hear you.
You have been muted.

.....Dreaming
Oh, and I can almost guarantee that this remote would NEVER be lost. I would tie it around my neck if needed.
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Speaking of fast forwarding:
Does anyone else fast forward through the dying scenes(tv shows)?
Ya know, the ones that take for-ever??
A cough here
A cough there
One last goodbye
Oh, now a vision
Uh-oh here come the bright lights.
NO COME BACK
NO GO.
Another cough.
NOOOOOO
Fast forward....
:Geesh:
Die already.

Am I the only one to do this??
Please tell me I am not.
Should I be ashamed?

and SPIT changes it all

Describe how motherhood has changed you

One word:

Spit

Yep, that's right.
Spit

Me (before motherhood) :
"I will N---E---VER clean my child's face with SPIT."
"N-EEE-VER!"
EWWW!
&
"GROSS!"
&
"NOPE, NOT GONNA DO IT."

Me (during motherhood) :
"Uh-Oh, Here comes Prissy McKPrissy-son and her 2 annoyingly perfect children."
"Kids....Quick! Come here and let me wipe away last night's leftovers."
"Let me grab a Wet-One."

Oh, that's right...
I am one of THOSE MOMS.
Ya know, one of THOSE MOMS that do not carry stuff like that.

"What to do ....What to do.....She will be over here any minute."

1..2..3..

Spit meet face.

I've only done this once.
Ok, MAYBE three times.
BUT
The last two times really didn't count.
I used the kid's spit.
Yep, I am clever like that.
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How has motherhood changed you?
Link up and let us know (or write on any of the other prompts.)
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